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2010/02/14
Lifestyle:
"Women and Shoes" |
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One of the biggest mysteries confronted by man in this day and age is woman’s obsession with shoes. Shoes of all types including “high heels, platforms, wedges, pumps” and others, which cannot all be named by a straight man such as myself, are included in their pool of obsession. I actually surprised myself as to how many styles of shoe I could name off the top of my head…although, that could be part of their elaborate plan to slowly but surely condition us into accepting and understanding the complex language that is woman’s fashion. |
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"I got them on sale...."
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Now, in no way or how am I going to try and understand or decipher a woman’s dictionary or mindset. It is something I will leave to the greatest psychologists of the world and Mel Gibson from that creepy film where he could hear what women were thinking. I say creepy because as advantageous as hearing what women think could be, I’m not sure I’d be able to handle the inconsistent brain waves and farts a woman has during the day, let alone the constant over analysis of every detail…and let’s be honest, you all do it, even if you don’t act on a particular feeling or thought, you still go over it in your mind…that would be enough to end me and annihilate my puny little brain.
Through my limited research on the matter I have come up with my own enlightening theories about a woman's psychology and mentality behind their obsession and love for shoes.
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The Cinderella Syndrome
If the shoe fits...DANCE!!!
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The Cinderella Syndrome is a mentality that has been ingrained into a woman’s sub-conscious at such a young age that it shall remain part of her core ethos, motivating her decision making about things she feels and what she may or may not deserve later on in life. To recap the children’s play, Cinderella was the daughter in an evil family who subjected her to manual labour and mental abuse until one evening as she wished upon her “fairy god-mother” (in modern day times, a rich aunt or grandmother would qualify here) to grant her an evening of beauty and love. She was granted a beautiful dress, glass slippers (sounds insanely uncomfortable), a pumpkin-shaped carriage (your guess is as good as mine) and VIP entrance to the club…I’m kidding…well, the story goes like this, she meets the fair prince at the ball, runs away before her “expiry” at mid-night, she loses a glass-slipper running down the stairs…which inevitably ends up being the only way the prince tracks her down to find his love, calling every single maiden from across the land to fit their foot into the slipper. He eventually finds her when she places her foot in the slipper and it’s a perfect fit. And they lived happily ever after...*ahem*
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This ingrained mentality could be the basis for a woman’s search for perfection when it comes to finding the perfect “fit” which could possibly relate to a partner or just simply a shoe. The Cinderella Syndrome does not apply to all cases but forms a definite base for additional obsessive mentality traits to come.
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You Just Don’t Get It
TOO MUCH DUDE...TOO MUCH!!!
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This theory can be summed up in a few lines without a proper explanation from the fairer sex. What one (a typical male) will receive with this kind of psychology is this, “you just don’t understand, you don’t have anything in you life that you feel this passionately about…or do you?” She's testing you electorate, you know the answer you should be giving is…”yes, I do baby, I feel that passionately about you”, but your male orientated brain will answer right away with something moronic like…”I dig rugby stukkend baby”…this will only end badly, either by her storming off for a “boozey-lunch” with the girl-friend you despise or by her snatching your credit card out of your wallet and proceeding to max out that credit limit all f*cking day. Either way, you should’ve gone for the love-dovie submission my friend.
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I have no words.
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“You just don’t get it” is a mentality used when a woman couldn’t be bothered to explain to you the intricacies of her obsession with the “enemy” we as men call shoes. It has got to make you wonder what they’re hiding, what in the world can be so important to them that they couldn’t be bothered to share it with you? Women are by far the more communicative species on the face of the Earth, so then why the silence and secretiveness about such an inanimate object?
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What is it about a shoe that you think our “Neanderthal” developed brain won’t be able to process?
Me Jane...me shop...FOR-EVAR!!!
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We know obsession…we know love, take a look at any male who whilst flicking through the DSTV channels, lands up ogling the “Victoria’s Secret Runway Show”…now that’s love…!
What I’m trying to communicate here is that, we understand…sort of, but without you actually allowing us any leeway on the subject. We would understand just that little bit more if you gave us the benefit of the doubt, just relate your love for shoes with our love for cars and “Victoria Secret Runway Models”…ok, maybe not the models, but the cars…definitely!
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Sex and Stilettos
Okay...I get that...(I heart you Anna.)
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Whether or not this theory has any grounds for truth is solely based on personal perception or experience, for Cinderella herself. There is this theory that the physical act of wearing high heels can boost a woman’s control over particular muscles associated with their orgasm. Supposedly wearing heels makes a woman contract her pelvic muscles, which is one of the main muscles associated with the contracting movements made when a woman is having sex and concentrating on her orgasm stimuli.
When it comes to a physical appearance it is easy to understand why a woman will love the way a stiletto will make her feel because how she is viewed physically. Wearing a high heel elongates a woman’s leg, making her seem taller and in some weird way, a taller appearance tricks the mind into seeing a thinner physical appearance. I’m not saying this is the case with all women, as some really large (height and width) women seem gargantuan in stature with high heels on, but it seems to be the general consensus amoung many a woman I have questioned in the development of this article…and the consensus and conclusion goes as following: wearing high heels allows the calf muscles to tighten creating definition and giving the legs a shapelier, healthier appearance and shapelier legs are the pre-emptive for a healthy lifestyle. “A thin appearance is not always healthy”. It is strange to me how that kind of mentality is quite prominent amoung women…who would have thought that the physical appearance of a woman’s legs would be the basis for so much judgment.
Yes, I called you judgmental, deal with it, everyone is judgmental…it’s part of human nature! Why is a foot perched up on a stiletto viewed as more beautiful than that hidden or laid flat on the ground by a pair of “Mediterranean styled-this-is-SPARTA-sandals”…? Is it the angle of the foot when placed on the stiletto or is it the fact that the foot has an "accessory" for the day?
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Scary.
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They say that an extraordinary experience is enough to jolt the system and awaken all of the human senses, yes…all 5 of them and if you don’t believe me…from a female's perspective, think about the following and from a male perspective, ask her if any of this is true:
Touch…when a woman picks up that shoe and feels the texture in her hands, it might as well be a 5 carat diamond as the simple act of having it in her hands is enough to make her want to slip it in her bag and run from the store laughing hysterically like a deranged asylum escapee.
Smell, now this might not be something that the male sex has ever considered thinking about, but the next time your lady-friend buys a new pair of shoes…watch how she reacts as she opens the box, the scent of new leather and materials is enough to throw her over the nose-gasm precipice, fact!
Sound…another strange sensory element that a male psyche might not even consider as a motivational element, but when a woman puts on a stiletto, the sound it makes when she walks in them is a huge factor when deciding upon her “next victim”.
From a male perspective, it doesn’t matter who you are with or where you are…if you hear the clickity-click sound of high heels coming your way…you’re going to look who’s wearing them…don’t lie, I know you will!
Sight…this is pretty self-explanatory as “love at first sight” happens on a daily basis for your basic female shoe-aholic!
Taste…this one is slightly more obscure to get your head around, but stay with me here as I try and explain it…a woman who loves chocolate will develop saliva upon entering “Sweets-From-Heaven”…most people would, the same applies for a shoe-aholic…walking into Nine West, I guarantee you’d be able to lubricate the engine of F1 Fighter Jet with that build up.
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The Shoe-and-Shop-o-holic
Shopping at the Crazy Mall again...
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All women love to shop…it’s a fact, there is not a single female out there who does not like to go out and spend money on herself to boost the ego or treat herself as a reward for something or other. What is relevant to remember here is that there are some defining factors and motivators about the shoe/shop-aholics…for one, a shoe/shop-aholic might buy shoes to suit a particular outfit that she has had stored away in her cupboard for the past 6 months…yes, you heard me correctly…they lie waiting like some kind of deep-sea-predatory-like fish just waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce on it’s latest victim, in this case…a helpless pair or shoes! This matching and mix-matching is a style unique to each woman, but believe this…unlike a man, a woman will dress “around her shoes”, meaning in Cro-Magnon terms, they will pick their outfit to wear based on what shoes they feel like wearing which is completely opposed to a man’s sense of styling whereas shoes are always the last thing to be worn…shoes for men are an after thought, a true accessory. Woman might down play their shoes on an evening saying things like…”oh, thanks…they’re just a pair I’ve been wanting to wear for ages” or something like, “yes, they’re new…but I’m not sure I like them” but secretly she wears them like a Purple Heart and I personally pity you if you haven’t noticed “them”, you may as well minus 100 brownie points immediately.
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No comment.
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Funny enough, what I do understand about the shopping aspect is that it can be quite therapeutic. I personally have an addiction for expensive watches, which could be viewed as worse than a shoe fetish, but we’re not talking about me here…so shut up. The process that goes into shopping as one will try on 3 or 4 pairs of shoes from different stores before making a final decision (some may even go as far as to say…”I couldn’t choose so I bought them all” – sounds psychotic if you ask me!). Shoes hold a special power over a woman’s psyche, they are more than just a sculptured collection of materials that separate a foot from the Earths/Shopping Malls surface…they are more than just objects…”being distinct is essential for any great woman-shoe relationship”. Shoes enhance a woman’s confidence; they lift her up high and remove all physical insecurities she might have woken up with on that particular day; they compliment, influence and complete a woman’s attire better than any piece of jewelry she owns.
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We'll let this one slide...
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They are the ultimate accessory, so gents, next time you’re thinking of up-grading your car to a newer model to keep your lady-friend interested…think again, think smaller and possibly more humiliating and treat her to a “shoe-shopping-spree”…it might sound like social-suicide, but trust me…”the shoe won’t necessarily be on the other foot”.
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The poem below is taken from a friend’s Facebook page:
(She will remain anonymous for fear of ridicule as she apparently trolled it from The Plum Footwear Newsletter) --- > Regardless, you can literally taste the obsession…scary.
>>>My Dear Stilettos<<<
My Dear Stilettos' How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee height & the way tottering around in 6 inch sky scrapers
Makes me feel so sexy & empowered.
With you I am on top of the world!
I love the way you complete me,
A match made in Heaven, destined to be.
You are my addiction & salvation,
My ideal companion when we're out on the town.
I love the way you help shape my leg muscles
And lift me up when I'm feeling down.
I love your perfectly sculptured form, I couldn't ask for more,
You are my little treasures that I cherish & adore.
Though man may question my infatuation with you,
It will not make me love you less.
I love thee with passion so great,
I love thee my sole mate.
Though chocolate & handbags tempt me to stray,
I shall love only thee until my dying day.
>>>End<<<
Happy shopping ladies...
David
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Writer, David Alves 
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