I hate the Monopoly Guy!!!
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It’s as blinding as the day is long…take a trip passed any C.N.A. or Cardies (cutesy commercialistic stores that sell useless crap, stationary and cards…) at this time of the year and you will be bombarded with oodles of “lovie-dovie” memorabilia and warm-fuzzy romantic crap that you think is well meant at the time but is simply cast aside after “the day” has passed. This might all sound somewhat gloomy to you, but to me, this is a yearly sense of accomplishment as I blatantly refuse to bend over and take it up the proverbial tail pipe.
Yes, you might go as far as to say I have become a seemingly silent anti-Valentines Day protester…don’t hate me, I have my reasons. Some of which are unfounded and some of which would convert even the squishiest of you all. Without being too subjective about this matter, let me lay out some guidelines for what it means to have a dislike for the Day of the Valentine.
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Bunny go down the hooole!
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Firstly, during a relationship, how many of you have actually forgotten about this day all together? I know I have…and it proves out-right what a low value this day holds in the pecking order of “lovie-dovie” gestures. Secondly, in the past, have you done anything completely over the top in terms of a gesture to fully take advantage of the day itself? No, I don’t blame you because you know that whatever you do this year, you damn sure better top it the next, and the year after that, and the year after that, and the year…it’s a never ending cycle of bullsh*t that forces one to prove their romantic creativity and emotional quotient.
I’m sorry to say, but there are only so many rabbits I can pull out of my hat in a decade. Maybe I’m old school in that way that I believe that opening the car door for your significant other is enough of a romantic gesture to last an entire day…or week for that matter!
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FAIL!
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There has been a ton of speculation behind the origin of Valentine's Day and through enough digital research, the story that is constantly reoccurring is the following: (There is also a reoccurring story of a rogue priest [supposedly Mr.Valentine?] who married eloping couples in secret due to the supposed strict laws of the Roman Catholic rule at the time, was captured and executed, hence becoming a saint…use it, don’t use it…)
“Each February, millions of people flock to the local card shop in search of just the right card. Florists celebrate their busiest season. And hearts abound, literally. But many people do not realize the true history of February 14, or Valentine's Day.
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Hey...Hey...that's racist!
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There are several different variations on the possible true history of this celebration of love and romance, and all contain a mix of history from the Catholic Church, Rome and Europe.
It is generally thought that St. Valentine's Day may have begun because the Catholic Church needed a method of introducing Christianity during the Pagan festival known as Lupercalia, which occurred in February. Also, somewhere around 270 A.D. St. Valentine was killed during February. Coincidentally, both served as a reason to begin celebrating St. Valentine's Day on February the fourteenth.
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I HAS SCAREDNESS!
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Where Rome comes is – is that February marks the end of winter and indicates a time of purification. Lupercalia was a celebration intended to honor the god of fertility, who provided the wheat (spelt) ceremoniously sprinkled in Roman homes during the arrival of Spring.
During Lupercalia, goats and other animals were sacrificed and their blood shed and smeared upon strips of their hides. Roman women reveled at being touched by the young boys wielding these strips in the streets of Rome, as they blessed all who were touched with the promise of fertility in the coming year.”
(Is it me or does that sound like something from M. Night Shyamalan's “The Village”…yes, yes…let’s paint the doors with blood…that’ll improve your fertility for sure…weirdo’s!)
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“The second part of the Lupercalia festival was when all single women placed their names into a large container in the town square. Each single man in Rome chose from the container the name of a woman with whom they were to be paired for the coming year. Rumor is, many marriages arose from these celebratory pairings.”
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Rumours are Rumours!
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(This sounds like your average Drainfern swingers “pork-up”, it’s hilarious how the more things change the more they stay the same. For those of you who live under a rock, some swingers parties involve the act of placing their participants car keys in a large bowl and one by one take turns to pull a set of random keys from the bowl. This of course leads to hanky-panky with the random owner of the keys…sexy isn’t it? Yes, that’s exactly what I thought…!)
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“February in Europe is the beginning of the mating season for birds, and this just further influenced the decision of the adoption of February 14 as Valentine's Day, the celebration of love and romance. “
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You can't deny the truth buddy-boy...just take it like a man!
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(I’m not sure February would be the mating season for birds in Europe, certainly not on this planet…if you’ve ever been to Europe round this time of the year, you’ll know it’s freezing…no wait, let me rephrase that…it’s colder than Simon Cowell’s most blatant dismissal…EVAR!)
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The designer needs an award of some sort!
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“The first real celebration of Valentines Day appears to have been in Great Britain during the seventeenth century, although the oldest known valentine was a poem written in the 1400s from Charles, Duke of Orleans to his wife after he was imprisoned in the Tower of London.
In the United States, celebrations of Valentines Day began in the 1700s. Commercialized ready-to-use greeting cards became widely available in the 1840s. The popularity of commercially available greeting cards is attributed to several factors including social behavior expectations and postage rates. Expressing emotions often conveyed through letters was socially discouraged during this time period.
Thus, a pre-written card reduced the amount of emotion the card-sender needed to include. And, greeting cards used a cheaper postage rate than bulky letters. The cost-savings made the use of pre-made Valentines very popular among Americans.
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Globally, Valentine's Day is now celebrated in The U.S., France, Mexico, Canada, Great Britain and Australia. Interestingly enough, it is not celebrated in Italy. Nearly a billion cards are given to honor the celebration of love, that number being second only to the amount of cards sent for Christmas.”
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I'm just saying...
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No Valentines Day in Italy? The country who possesses the language of love (excluding the French), fantastic food, incredible heritage sights, a youth culture bent on love and freedom…really? No Valentines Day? Sounds kind of sad to me…then again, “Italians on average eat around 30 kg (66 pounds) of pasta and drink 60 liters of wine per year”…supposed fact…! In light of the previous fact, it’s no surprise that the Italians don’t really consider Valentines Day to be a high priority in their calendar…they have all the carbohydrates and alcohol in the world to keep them besotted with one another! I’m not calling the Eye-Ties fat alcoholics by any means, I’m just saying with such a smorgasbord of treats to “motivate” themselves, it’s no surprise they don’t celebrate Valentines Day.
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Love...love, love, love, love....!!!
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Moving on from the Italians and their carbo-loading and back to the issue of Valentine's Day, one has to keep in mind that it’s better to not have deep seeded feelings and investments in Valentine's Day as an opportunity to prove to your significant other how much you love and appreciate them. If you celebrate this pseudo romantic toast to commercialism, well then…good for you, make it count…resist the temptation of buying generic/mass-produced/commercial standard gestures for love and appreciation and go the extra mile in an alternative sense. That doesn’t mean taking your significant other streaking down the N1 highway, blindfolded and dipped in chocolate body paint…that would be bad…mmmkay!
Resist the cheap cards, resist the flower petals on the bed, resist the dinner by candle light, resist the bunch of flowers…”oh that’s great, shot…then what the hell do I do”, the average electorate might ask…? Use you imagination, I’m not here to hold your hand, there are a million and one things to do with your partner over this pathetic time, you’re the one wanting to celebrate it, it’s your problem…not mine! Be creative with the small things that make your relationship work and concentrate on those...you'll find that the things that count usually don't cost a thing!
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USE YOUR BRAIN PLEASE!
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My “expertise” in the matter has lead me to the conclusion that spreading out that clump of love over a larger piece of equally gooey toast might be a better move than slapping on a huge dollop of the slimey stuff all in one day! What I’m trying to make apparent here is that everything - now take note here - everything in a constant state of moderation is more appreciated than doing the impossible once a year.
Happy Bullsh*t Day
Dave
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