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Let me ask a couple of questions first:
Always be aware of your surroundings...
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1. Does the “perpetrator” phone you constantly, day or night?
2. Does the “perpetrator” text (SMS) you throughout the day?
3. Does the “perpetrator” happen to “bump into you” at random social outings and events?
4. Do you know the “perpetrator”? (Have you physically met this person in real life…? [And yes, once does count, once is usually the deal breaker!])
5. Does this “perpetrator” have access to your life? (To define that more clearly and in a digital sense, as most of our lives are somewhat spread over the likes of Facebook, My Space, Twitter and whatever else – TIP: A new “Stalker Tool” is FourSquare which allows you to give updates, much like Twitter, except it Tweets [messages] “everyone” your current location…yah, see the dilemma there? Thought so…)
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Sleep with one eye open...! Fine, learn to do it...!
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Now if you have answered yes to at least one of these question…we are officially dealing with “stalker-ry-cous meticulous weirdo-is”. Supposedly that is their official name and I am dedicating myself to writing a Wiki-Page on this species…who knows, maybe they’ll give me the Noble Prize for Douchebag/gette Awareness! How’s that Mr.Gore?
Okay, enough fooling around, this is a serious matter and if you have registered yourself as a victim from the above “official” questionnaire, then you must read one and read on quickly.
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What to do:
So cute...! NO..NO...I will not love my Stalker!
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Do not avoid. I know this might sound like suicide, but believe me, there is nothing worse than pretending like you’ve seen someone then ignoring them until you receive a tap on the shoulder and an opening line of…”I thought you weren’t going to come and say hello”. Let the awkwardness ensue. It truly is the only way to get it out of the way and you are free to slink off undetected after the conversation. Just a couple of pointers to remember…be vague, but be honest, engage them but at the same time make sure you aren’t caught alone with the “perpetrator”. Friends are your biggest allies in this kind of a situation…they're a good diversion for conversation or avoidance tactic. Refuse all drinks. Let me say that again in a slightly more understandable tone…
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TAKING. DRINKS. FROM. STRANGER. STALKER. PERSON. IS. A. NO-NO!!!
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What NOT to do:
Some put a "stake" in it please...jeeez!!!
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Make a scene. If the “perpetrator” has pushed significant boundaries recently or in the past and you feel like this is the “last straw” and you want to react, take the opportunity to handle the situation in a mature way. Pull the psycho aside and explain very nicely to return your underwear, to stop chilling in the tree outside of your window all Edward Cullen like and to stop sending you creepy emails containing “sexy” pictures taken from their mobile phones…if you can explain it to them that this is the “last straw”, I strongly believe that ultimatums work extremely well with social perverts. Threatening the future of their stalkerish-habits with either legal or physical violence will no doubt deter the “perpetrator” from all future creepo-movements.
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DO. NOT. REACT. VIOLENTLY. BE. CLAM. SPEAK. CLEARLY. BUSINESS. LIKE.
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If Best comes to Best:
Security...get some...maybe...
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Let’s say your “perpetrator” is the “nice kind” of stalker and once confronting them to either make peace or to dismiss, take kindly to your confrontational behaviour and decide that you’re not THAT interesting and move onto their next lovely victim –
>>>
Yes, I said it and it has to be stated officially that no one is interesting enough that they should be stalked…I understand the paparazzi deal, that’s their “bread and butter” but if you’re stalking your ex…for whatever reason…you have some seriously twisted mental complications that need sorting out immediately.
>>>
I'm just saying...
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If Worst comes to Worst:
Eeewwwuuu...in the bathroom!
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Now, this is the deal breaker and will most likely happen in a crowded area as the "perpetrator" will think that putting you on "the spot" so to speak will make you feel awkward and render him/her the victor in the situation.
DO NOT PANIC.
Under that creepy exterior lies a weak and feeble creature that feeds on rainbows and moths. Stand your ground and maintain a controlled tone to your voice. Showing control over the situation will let the "perpetrator" know that you mean business and are prepared for the awkwardness that is sure to follow! Maintain distance between Twilight-Stalker-Person and yourself - if they touch you - quickly gesture to a friend to come on over to join the situation ---
If you're a girl - don't call another "girlfriend" over, trust me, she is only going to make the situation even worse and might provoke the "perpetrator" to strike out (and sparkle on you)...no, seriously, leave your lady-friends out of it, call on over your "mate" - boyfriend/rugby-player-guy-mate/6 footer - and have him enter the conversation without saying anything, allow him to just stand there as a visual obstruction...the situation is sure to dissipate as quickly as it escalated!
If you're a guy - c'mon my friend, are you telling me you cannot handle a little "Stalker-Fetish" - you never know, she could possible be the best sex you've ever had...NO...NO...NO...focus, your best bet is to call over and guy-friend...yes, not your prettiest girl-buddy, but another guy...trust me...she won't know what to do, either your friend will catch the hint and bail you out by aggressively dragging you off to the bar for a shooter and a "team talk" or the "perpetrator" will be instantly gob-smacked and have nothing to say - it's usually the "female stalkers" who are more emotionally invested in the stalking process and believe any interaction with their "prey" (you) is "sacred" (not in the Biblical sense of the word), but sacred enough that they'll be so offended that you allowed "another" to enter "her time" with you.
I hope that at least a shred of what I've written in the above article will help you be better equipped for your next encounter with your "Stalker Kitteh"...if not...try finding a little personality one of these days and you could have one of your very own.
*I kid the boring people*
OKTHXBAI.
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