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Lifestyle:
One-Night Stand and “Morning After Etiquette” |
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Now before you run off and go and tell your mommy on me, consider the facts. It happens, and “one night stands” are a way of life. It might not be a way of life for everyone, granted, some people have extremely loose morals and some have extremely tight sphincters. The anal-retentive people blindly believe that something like this would never happen to them…and if it ever did, I mean, let’s just say…even if it landed up being with a best friend, sex changes everything and your best friend could land up being the strangest “morning-after-cuddle” you’ve ever had. |
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Yes, yes you are!
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For those of you who believe there is some truth to what I’m saying, pay close attention to the following, brash, harsh, cutting truths about “Morning After Etiquette”. In this article I will try to dispel the myths as to what goes through a person’s mind in those fantastically awkward hours, where you find yourself in a strange place with no clothes on…head pounding…bad breath…and the sudden feeling of B-lining it for the f-cking window…
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The Testament is as follows:
The truth shall set you free...
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(Male Version as I can only talk from this point of view!)
1. Do your best to wake up first
Waking up first guarantees you the boon of getting in the shower to prompt her to secretly grab her clothes and “stripper dust” (the ridiculous glitter some of you ladies like to marinate yourselves in) and make a run for the door by the time you get out of the shower – if she does, score…more Coco Pops for you!
2. Upon returning to the scene of the accident
If she is still sprawled on your bed, doing her best to look cute under the cake layered night-before makeup…offer coffee, if not coffee, then tea. Anything to minimize the time spent in the lion’s den. Plus, it looks as though you’re being polite and caring offering her the magic juice of sober-lytis. Once you have taken cover in the kitchen, it’s time for Plan B…always have a Plan B.
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*BANG*...and the dirt is gone!
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3. The awkward sit down and coffee slurp
Now, this is the make or break series of moments for lasting impressions, because let’s face it…neither of you remember what happened the night before or what ensued when you “love kittens” got back to your apartment. The point you must remember here is to keep it short, concise and evasive of the canoodling. The last thing you want to be talking about is that puma tattoo on her inner thigh…yes guys, that you leave for the boys-talk around the braai later. Keep the conversation centered around anything you can vaguely remember about her…that way it’ll seem like you weren’t that drunk, possibly sending her into an insecurity spin about what else she could have done in the bedroom to embarrass herself that you might remember.
4. The Name…the f-cking name
If you don’t remember her name, forget it, don’t get clever and go for the purse when she’s in the loo – that’s just wrong…the following will suffice: hunny, sweetie, luv, gorgeous, hottie…any of these are bound to either compliment her, in that case…score…or if it irritates her, then she’s more likely to leave quicker…double score.
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"Meeting in 10 minutes...FML."
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5. The Invite
Inviting the one in question for breakfast is completely and utterly unacceptable, no matter the hotness or the sexual aptitude, any one of these lines will and must be used in order of relevancy:
(WARNING: THESE ARE TO BE USED WITH DISCRETION - The same line cannot be used on the accused, or friend, twice in the same week.)
- “I have to unfortunately go into work today.”
- “I have to meet someone for breakfast.”
- “I have to save the world from blood thirsty zombies.”
- “There’s a meteor coming…I’m getting outa here.”
- “I have to visit my friend’s graveside today, sorry we can’t hang out.”
- “I actually have a girlfriend.”
- “Ok, fine, I’m married…I think you have to go…”
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Appreciate the small things...
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Don’t hate me…just move on. Look, what you have to keep in mind here is, if you really want to see her again…the best move to make is to ask to see her again in a couple of days time. The “future planning” card will bode well for you in her eyes if it’s clearly what you want.
After revising and learning the above steps word for word, please keep in mind that all of these are applicable only if the accused does not make a run for it before you wake up or when you are in the shower. In that case here are some extra steps to follow if the pre-mentioned happens:
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---> Immediately locate your wallet…yes, your wallet…it happens, the vivacious vixen could’ve nicked it to spite you for the awkwardness of the “one-nighter” and your seemingly cold shoulder of the morning after.
---> Shower…I’ll say it again, go and shower…even if you met her at church.
---> A good hearty breakfast…this is just a guy thing…McD’s will suffice!
---> Check your place for any sneaky items secretly left by the pre-accused, these sneaky placements of clothing can backfire on you, casting an exceedingly bad self-inflicted spotlight on your supposed mating habits if you bring around another worthy victim.
---> Check for digits…yes, I said that word, digits…if the previously accused has left her number (as one should never ask for a number…ever…hello, yes…never, ever, ever ask for a woman’s number…what are you a PA?), she’d make it obvious and easy to find…check the following locations; magnetized to the fridge, your underwear draw, your jacket pocket and in true bunny boiler style, the bathroom mirror or car window…no doubt you’ll find it in red lipstick graffiti…with shockingly drawn hearts…f-cking hate that.
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You only have yourself to blame! I'm just saying...
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Now, if she hasn’t stolen your wallet, your place is clear of all evidence, you’ve had your life saving breakfast and have not had to clean any mirror or windows…then my electorate, you are in the clear!
As an end-note, if any of you lovely members of the fairer sex believe I’m being sexist, chauvinistic, or an asshole…here’s a brick, now go build a bridge. I have zero time for people who cannot take me with a truckload of salt. If there is one thing I’d like to say from a personal P.O.V. - and ladies, you need to make note of this, write it down, have it tattooed as a tramp stamp or have it etched into your yoga mat - all of the above asshole ridden points have been put into place because, if you’ve come home with us (the general male populous) after a drunken night of bumping and grinding or what ever the kids are doing these days the last thing we want to do is develop any kind of emotional attachment to you…yes, you heard correctly…said in basic Lehman’s terms, if you land up having a one stand with a guy, don’t go into it expecting to find the “love of your life”…even if some guy says he’s never felt this way about a girl, he’s f-cking lying…to him…this is a one-night-stand, whereby he knows if he simply follows the rules (mentioned above) he will be able to dismiss any ownership, responsibility or attachment to you and the situation…the end.
PS: In no way does this article condone unsafe sex (from both sides of the scale), don’t be a fool, wrap your tool…take your pill, wear the ‘phram…just make it safe!
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Writer, David Alves 
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