Blowing a Vuvuzela...are you doing it right?
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Love it or Hate it...the Vuvuzela is here to stay and will no doubt be seen and heard in other major sporting event for years to come. With the FIFA World Cup of Soccer rounding up to the Quarter Finals - things are heating up and the intensity in the crowds is projected only but one way and that is through their Vuvuzela's!
The icon image and sound - even though some people would say that the sound of the Vuvuzela is far from iconic - has infiltrated itself into more industries and application than you can imagine such as online applications in the form of "buttons" and "logos and has even create a "Cottage" industry dedicated to removing the sound of the Vuvuzela from the audio during World Cup matches.
Either way, through all the controversy of the "instrument", there has been a "Code of Ethics" written about this piece of African spirit and has now come with a set of Rules or Etiquette to blowing a Vuvuzela - for health and safety reasons - Here we go!
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>>> ZAGlamour's Guide to Vuvuzela Etiquette <<<
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1. Find your OWN!
Okay...this point is somewhat self explanatory but let's just be honest if you don't know why, there are a billion reasons why you shouldn't ever share a Vuvuzela - and those billion reasons can only been seen under a microscope - YES - disease - it's just unhygienic...so please, get you own!
If you can image it in terms of something that you should never ever - ever - EVAR - share after using...like...a condom OR a pair of underwear OR...yeah...you get the point!
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2. Blow, Blow and then stop if you can't! Please!
This is also self explanatory, but the truth here is that, apart from how "offensive" the sound of the Vuvuzela is, what's worse than the sound of a Vuvuzela is the sound of one being played wrong! Yes...it is true, supposedly you can play a Vuvuzela wrong...don't ask me what the "incorrect sound" is - point being, if you're not sounding like everyone else - then don't do it.
(Technically, a stadium full of Vuvuzela's is not going to miss your if you can't blow it - so just save yourself the embarrassment and trouble!)
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3. Feel the Rhythm...
Once you can get that "hullabaloo" out of the Vuvuzela, try your best to keep up with the rhythm around you - listen - then blow - then listen then blow - you'll be able to pick up on the other Vuvuzela's around you and soon enough you'll have a disaster...I mean...cacophony of Vuvuzela's all blowing in anticipation of whatever is happening on the field!
I say anticipation because the blowing of the Vuvuzela is blown best at the times of the greatest anticipation - such as a penalty kick, corner or a if a foul has been committed - try your best to refrain from blowing your Vuvuzela if your Girlfriend has bought some sexy new knickers...! What? I'm just saying...there's a time and a place!
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4. Time to blow and time to shut up!
The sound of a Vuvuzela is completely acceptable bewteen the hours of midday and midnight - maybe 1AM but anything after that is punishable by death! I'm sure you've heard your fair share of Vuvuzela's ebing blown in the wee-hours of the morning and I'm sure you'll agree that you don't exactly turn over, smile and wonder off back to sleep - so - spread the word and let's keep the Vuvu-Madness to reasonable times!
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5. Aim for the stars!
Straight up is the key...!
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One of the most important rules to blowing a Vuvuzela is the angle in which you blow it! Take your mind out of the gutter please and - FOCUS - a Vuvuzela should be blown at a "135 degree" angle to your "already upright" body position! yes, the rule here states that you should be standing - or doing the "Diski" when blowing you Vuvuzela and it should be blown upwards and into the air.
(PLEASE NOTE: If you are in possession of a Vuvuzela - avoid at all costs blowing the instrument into someone's ear - it truly can cause massive damage to the ear!)
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6. Strangely...swallow then blow?!
Yes...I can just imagine how that sounds, but it's true - picture this - you arrive at the stadium, completely and utterly excited to watch the game, you find your seats and who sits in front of you --- Kerry McGregor --- the hottest of hot --- so the more excited you get the faster you lay into your Simba chips and then your team runs out on the field, you pick up your Vuvuzela and blow (with Simba chips mid-mastication) and where does it all land --- in Ms.McGregor's hair --- PARTY OVER buddy!
So remember...swallow first...then blow...!
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7. Make sure it's Man-Size!
So, I'm sure you've seen the pathetic and down-sized versions of the Vuvuzela floating around the theme parks and the stadiums - let's just clear that up right now - those are Vuvuzela's for children and for girls - are you a child? No...? Good! Are you a girl? No...? Good! Then up-size that noise happy meal to a the real thing and make sure you wrap your lips around the original instead of the diminutive knockoffs!
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8. Vuvuzela's Inside >>> DON'T DO IT <<<
Never.
Ever.
Ever.
Ever blow your Vuvuzela in an enclosed space. The damage to one's ears could be irreparable! Plus...it's f*cking annoying...DON'T DO IT!!!
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9. Stand still dammit!
Another great rule for the Vuvuzela is that when blowing on your Vuvu, one should try and remain stationary! Blowing while walking to the stadium is completely and utterly acceptable but only is all the other etiquette protocols are followed to the letter! Avoid driving and blowing on your Vuvu and avoid blowing you Vuvuzela on modes of transport and areas as such - the noise is deafening and a Vuvuzela blown inside a car or carriage is twice as loud than one blown into the air!
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10. Pity the Hangover Victims!!!
The World Cup of Soccer is a time for celebration, partying, despair, sadness and of course - DRINKING - this so called, "drinking" can result in a participant in an evenings events feeling rather "fragile" or "hungover" dude to the amount of liquor consumed by such an individual...
So...
If you have any humanity left in you, avoid blowing your Vuvuzela near or in the vicinity of someone with a "hangover" - it is akin to drilling into their skull with a Black and Decker Power Drill! Trust me: I know!!!
Enjoy the rest of the World Cup with Etiquette and Decorum!
Blow safely - and that means - all kinds of the appropriate verb!
Regards
Vuvuzelanoid
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